Hjortsprånget

About two and a half weeks ago I went up to SöderÃ¥sens Nationalpark which is a nature reserve here in southern Sweden. It’s a ravine with a brook at the bottom of it. The area around is covered with mainly beech trees. I had the Friday of and it was nice weather so I decided to go take a long walk. If I recall correctly the path I choose ended up at 9.8 km or something similar. It’s not super long, but it’s quite rough terrain with two steep climbs.

I had an other reason beside going for a walk when going there though. It was the first time I went there alone and I have been wanting to do so since 2007 but never gotten around to it. I wanted to visit a special place of the trail called HjortsprÃ¥nget. It’s an outcrop of rock that stretches out in the ravine for about 8 meters. About halfway out it’s very narrow and only about half meter, with a birch growing on one side that you need to get round. Out at the end it opens up to a smallish platform.

In the post The lair from six years ago I wrote “I don’t want to take that step with them watching, so I think I’ll go there someday rather soon, alone. Sit on the edge, think, feel.” The step I refer to is of course the one of the cliff to a fall down to the rubble below. It would be a semi-certain death. So now I finally went there alone to sit on the edge, think and feel. It was quite a short process. My live have improved significantly over six years that has passed and it didn’t take seconds to decide that I do want to live. Instead I spent some time sitting there and reading on my kindle. It’s still a very nice place to sit at.

Included some pictures of the place, they don’t at all do it justice though. Not quite sure if that fence is to keep animals in or out. And definitely not sure which animals.

Relapse

Hello, I’m Christer and I’m depressed. My case of self inflicted pain was 30 minutes ago and I’ve started having suicidal thoughts again.

I wonder if there’s meetings for depressed people like there are for alcoholics and narcotics. A quick search on Google indicates that there are groups in America but not here in Sweden. Either way, I guess the above would be my introduction if I were to go to one. Since about 2 weeks ago I’ve started to feel seriously bad again, might have something to do with my birthday that passed recently, never liked my birthday. I feel powerless, sad, unmotivated and so on. I don’t know of any specific reason that I feel like this, neither that I felt like it before or that I feel like it again. Originally I thought it had to do with my sister being a drug addict and so on, but it lasted way longer than I thought it should have due to that. And if so, why would it then suddenly resurface now, I’m not mad at my sister or anything.

So what do I think makes me feel like this. Well, it’s a combination of several things. To start with, I don’t see any meaning in life, I guess that would be something to be depressed about. I go to school, not because I want to, but because I don’t want to work with anything that’s available to me without education. We’ll see in the fall if I want to work with anything a bachelor of science in system design allows me to work with. Secondly, I guess I am a bit lonely. It’s not that I feel lonely and desperately yearn for someone to keep me company, I quite like being on my own. But I do guess there’s a more of a meaning to life if you’re sharing it with someone. Finally, at least that I can think about now, there’s quite a few things that I’m not proud of for having done, said etc. And from what I can gather at the moment, there’s no things at all that I am proud of. There’s nothing I’ve accomplished in these 20 and some years of my life that I feel proud about. Sure, I probably got about 60 years left if nothing unexpected happens, but shouldn’t there at least be the tiniest thing already that I should feel proud about? Helping someone, being a decent guy, something I created or something at least.

The timing for this is of course as bad as it can get. I got 10 assignments due before the 4:th of March. After that I’m having a short course and then I’m supposed to write my dissertation, in short, as bad as it gets.

Physical pain hurts way less than spiritual pain!