Relapse

Hello, I’m Christer and I’m depressed. My case of self inflicted pain was 30 minutes ago and I’ve started having suicidal thoughts again.

I wonder if there’s meetings for depressed people like there are for alcoholics and narcotics. A quick search on Google indicates that there are groups in America but not here in Sweden. Either way, I guess the above would be my introduction if I were to go to one. Since about 2 weeks ago I’ve started to feel seriously bad again, might have something to do with my birthday that passed recently, never liked my birthday. I feel powerless, sad, unmotivated and so on. I don’t know of any specific reason that I feel like this, neither that I felt like it before or that I feel like it again. Originally I thought it had to do with my sister being a drug addict and so on, but it lasted way longer than I thought it should have due to that. And if so, why would it then suddenly resurface now, I’m not mad at my sister or anything.

So what do I think makes me feel like this. Well, it’s a combination of several things. To start with, I don’t see any meaning in life, I guess that would be something to be depressed about. I go to school, not because I want to, but because I don’t want to work with anything that’s available to me without education. We’ll see in the fall if I want to work with anything a bachelor of science in system design allows me to work with. Secondly, I guess I am a bit lonely. It’s not that I feel lonely and desperately yearn for someone to keep me company, I quite like being on my own. But I do guess there’s a more of a meaning to life if you’re sharing it with someone. Finally, at least that I can think about now, there’s quite a few things that I’m not proud of for having done, said etc. And from what I can gather at the moment, there’s no things at all that I am proud of. There’s nothing I’ve accomplished in these 20 and some years of my life that I feel proud about. Sure, I probably got about 60 years left if nothing unexpected happens, but shouldn’t there at least be the tiniest thing already that I should feel proud about? Helping someone, being a decent guy, something I created or something at least.

The timing for this is of course as bad as it can get. I got 10 assignments due before the 4:th of March. After that I’m having a short course and then I’m supposed to write my dissertation, in short, as bad as it gets.

Physical pain hurts way less than spiritual pain!