About two and a half weeks ago I went up to SöderÃ¥sens Nationalpark which is a nature reserve here in southern Sweden. It’s a ravine with a brook at the bottom of it. The area around is covered with mainly beech trees. I had the Friday of and it was nice weather so I decided to go take a long walk. If I recall correctly the path I choose ended up at 9.8 km or something similar. It’s not super long, but it’s quite rough terrain with two steep climbs.

I had an other reason beside going for a walk when going there though. It was the first time I went there alone and I have been wanting to do so since 2007 but never gotten around to it. I wanted to visit a special place of the trail called HjortsprÃ¥nget. It’s an outcrop of rock that stretches out in the ravine for about 8 meters. About halfway out it’s very narrow and only about half meter, with a birch growing on one side that you need to get round. Out at the end it opens up to a smallish platform.

In the post The lair from six years ago I wrote “I don’t want to take that step with them watching, so I think I’ll go there someday rather soon, alone. Sit on the edge, think, feel.” The step I refer to is of course the one of the cliff to a fall down to the rubble below. It would be a semi-certain death. So now I finally went there alone to sit on the edge, think and feel. It was quite a short process. My live have improved significantly over six years that has passed and it didn’t take seconds to decide that I do want to live. Instead I spent some time sitting there and reading on my kindle. It’s still a very nice place to sit at.

Included some pictures of the place, they don’t at all do it justice though. Not quite sure if that fence is to keep animals in or out. And definitely not sure which animals.

Bad news

The last weekend me and Annie went up to my oldest sister for a visit. My main reason for going there was cause her oldest cat was put to sleep the Tuesday that just passed. Baileys, as the cat was named, has acquired the respectable age of 19 years and 2 months. That means that he’s been with us four years longer than my sisters daughter and since I was seven. It was time though, he couldn’t hear anything, hardly had any teeth left, lost fur in certain places and had started to fry because he was in pain.

Tuesday that passed brought some more bad news. My mother had an appointment at the Hospital for scan and chat with the doctor. The results was that one of her two larger tumors had started to grow again, 4 mm since the last scan. My mother is handling it very good and takes life as it comes at the moment.

It took a while to settle, but on the Friday I think it was, emotions overcame me. Suddenly death became so much more real. I had one of my worst days in a long time and cried for the first time in an even longer time. I feel that I need to visit my mother quite soon. Not for her sake or that she might be gone tomorrow, but for me to feel calm in her illness again.

This day must have sucked even more for my sister though.

Besides my mother being terminal ill and a long time companion passing to the after life I also feel a bit lost with life at the moment. At work I really don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve been appointed architect for the multimedia area for this version of our software. I must say that it sometimes really feels like I got no idea what I’m doing. I don’t have any expertise and pretty much all the questions I get I don’t really know the answers for. But I guess that a large part of being architect is also giving suggestions, delegating and investigating.

After work I also feel a bit lost, I don’t quite know what to do with my time. There is several things that I could do and some things that I really should do (like getting myself a license to drive). I get stuck however, in doing nothing. I want to code, but I don’t do it. I want to watch all my movies and tv-episodes, but I don’t do it. I want to go out more and move around more to loose some weight, but I don’t do it. I want to go to driving classes and get a license, but I don’t do it.

I’m very happy that I have Annie, she’s a fixed point in an otherwise floating life. Her alarm just went of so I’ll go see her now, take care.