Today I went to the second lecture of this course. I mainly went as I needed to go down to the bookstore anyway and because I wanted to ask the professor what coding standards I had to follow to pass. The lecture itself I wasnâ€™t very interested in and I should probably have left halfway through instead of staying the full time. Most of the time was spent on explaining things I already knew from before for the people who didnâ€™t quite understand. Iâ€™m not quite sure why Iâ€™m forced to take this class, but hopefully something new will arise before the course has ended in 3-4 weeks. Iâ€™ve at least decided that Iâ€™m not going to school neither Monday nor Tuesday, more lessons that Iâ€™m quite certain will be pretty useless.
A few hours ago I went for a walk in the village. About halfway a thought suddenly arose in my mind, shortly before I saw the dead hedgehog in the middle of the road. Was I walking because I wanted to walk, or was I walking so I didnâ€™t have to do something else? It didnâ€™t take long to conclude that the latter was the case. I wasnâ€™t walking because I really like walking around at 1 am in the village with a light rain drizzling. I was walking because I didnâ€™t want to go sleep. Now why wouldnâ€™t I want to go sleep in the middle of the night like normal people? This is something I have had a hard time doing for some time now. Unless I need to get up early the day after, I usually stay up way longer than whatâ€™s appropriate.
Itâ€™s not that there is some magic thing I do at night that I canâ€™t do during days. People on the net go and sleep, and as I usually watch tv episodes, which I can watch any time a like, Iâ€™m not doing anything bound to the night either. I came to the conclusion that I did not want to stay up because of something I hadnâ€™t done, instead of something I want to do during the night, or that could only be done at night.
What I havenâ€™t done today is to be a good citizen. I havenâ€™t been productive. Even if what Iâ€™m productive with doesnâ€™t really help society in any way, it feels like something I have to do for me to be happy with myself. And as long as I havenâ€™t done this, I donâ€™t feel happy with myself doing pretty much anything else either. As long as I havenâ€™t gone to bed, thereâ€™s still a possibility that I will do this, productive, thing. But I now know from experience that it almost never happens, I can usually feel when itâ€™s one of those days when I wonâ€™t do anything productive. And today was one of those days. For some reason, instead of going to sleep and get it over with I stay up for as long as possible and make it a long slow process.
I wonder why I do this, itâ€™s not good in any way. I have such a hard time relaxing, I must always do something, even if I donâ€™t really like doing what I do.
And oh yeah, going to Sensation White @ Copenhagen.