Splat

Today I went to the second lecture of this course. I mainly went as I needed to go down to the bookstore anyway and because I wanted to ask the professor what coding standards I had to follow to pass. The lecture itself I wasn’t very interested in and I should probably have left halfway through instead of staying the full time. Most of the time was spent on explaining things I already knew from before for the people who didn’t quite understand. I’m not quite sure why I’m forced to take this class, but hopefully something new will arise before the course has ended in 3-4 weeks. I’ve at least decided that I’m not going to school neither Monday nor Tuesday, more lessons that I’m quite certain will be pretty useless.

A few hours ago I went for a walk in the village. About halfway a thought suddenly arose in my mind, shortly before I saw the dead hedgehog in the middle of the road. Was I walking because I wanted to walk, or was I walking so I didn’t have to do something else? It didn’t take long to conclude that the latter was the case. I wasn’t walking because I really like walking around at 1 am in the village with a light rain drizzling. I was walking because I didn’t want to go sleep. Now why wouldn’t I want to go sleep in the middle of the night like normal people? This is something I have had a hard time doing for some time now. Unless I need to get up early the day after, I usually stay up way longer than what’s appropriate.

It’s not that there is some magic thing I do at night that I can’t do during days. People on the net go and sleep, and as I usually watch tv episodes, which I can watch any time a like, I’m not doing anything bound to the night either. I came to the conclusion that I did not want to stay up because of something I hadn’t done, instead of something I want to do during the night, or that could only be done at night.

What I haven’t done today is to be a good citizen. I haven’t been productive. Even if what I’m productive with doesn’t really help society in any way, it feels like something I have to do for me to be happy with myself. And as long as I haven’t done this, I don’t feel happy with myself doing pretty much anything else either. As long as I haven’t gone to bed, there’s still a possibility that I will do this, productive, thing. But I now know from experience that it almost never happens, I can usually feel when it’s one of those days when I won’t do anything productive. And today was one of those days. For some reason, instead of going to sleep and get it over with I stay up for as long as possible and make it a long slow process.

I wonder why I do this, it’s not good in any way. I have such a hard time relaxing, I must always do something, even if I don’t really like doing what I do.

And oh yeah, going to Sensation White @ Copenhagen.