Blue sweater

It’s been a week or something since my last post, and things haven’t gotten worse! On the other hand, they haven’t gotten much better either, still the same demotivated, depressed state. The assignment for tomorrow did not go well at all, two very boring text to read, and way too few words to try to write something good with. But at least it’s one assignment less that needs doing. I really need to get my act together as I got a shitload of assignments the upcoming two weeks. Three of them this week and then 4 of them the following week, a whole pile to do in other words. For some reason, I find it very hard to study lately and especially hard to get started. Partly it’s due to the actual course, which is very boring with very boring professors. A class mate expressed that the professor could lecture about Angelina Jolie’s bosom and it would still be boring. But it also feels that something is totally wrong with me, I’m not like I should be and I get disinterested way too easily.

Something not so bad has happened as well though, there’s this girl in my class that I’m beginning to like. Well, I do like her, just not in that way yet. She’s very nice to talk with, seems to care just the right amount about school. It also seems that she, like me, likes the nights more than the days. And besides, she looks really good in her blue sweater. We’ll see where it goes from here, probably nowhere. But it’s nice to have someone nice to speak with again at least, I miss the gal I used to speak with in my previous class quite a bit in school…

Relapse

Hello, I’m Christer and I’m depressed. My case of self inflicted pain was 30 minutes ago and I’ve started having suicidal thoughts again.

I wonder if there’s meetings for depressed people like there are for alcoholics and narcotics. A quick search on Google indicates that there are groups in America but not here in Sweden. Either way, I guess the above would be my introduction if I were to go to one. Since about 2 weeks ago I’ve started to feel seriously bad again, might have something to do with my birthday that passed recently, never liked my birthday. I feel powerless, sad, unmotivated and so on. I don’t know of any specific reason that I feel like this, neither that I felt like it before or that I feel like it again. Originally I thought it had to do with my sister being a drug addict and so on, but it lasted way longer than I thought it should have due to that. And if so, why would it then suddenly resurface now, I’m not mad at my sister or anything.

So what do I think makes me feel like this. Well, it’s a combination of several things. To start with, I don’t see any meaning in life, I guess that would be something to be depressed about. I go to school, not because I want to, but because I don’t want to work with anything that’s available to me without education. We’ll see in the fall if I want to work with anything a bachelor of science in system design allows me to work with. Secondly, I guess I am a bit lonely. It’s not that I feel lonely and desperately yearn for someone to keep me company, I quite like being on my own. But I do guess there’s a more of a meaning to life if you’re sharing it with someone. Finally, at least that I can think about now, there’s quite a few things that I’m not proud of for having done, said etc. And from what I can gather at the moment, there’s no things at all that I am proud of. There’s nothing I’ve accomplished in these 20 and some years of my life that I feel proud about. Sure, I probably got about 60 years left if nothing unexpected happens, but shouldn’t there at least be the tiniest thing already that I should feel proud about? Helping someone, being a decent guy, something I created or something at least.

The timing for this is of course as bad as it can get. I got 10 assignments due before the 4:th of March. After that I’m having a short course and then I’m supposed to write my dissertation, in short, as bad as it gets.

Physical pain hurts way less than spiritual pain!

Pace

And finally Swedish university turns out to be an university. 2 and a bit weeks into the new semester, the first course is already finished. This is the final semester of BS and the pace so far is way higher than the previous semesters. According to some regulations or whatever, students are supposed to invest about 40 hours per week into their studies. According to studies, this numbers is in reality somewhere between 15 and 25.

During the past 1½ year I’ve been going to university I feel that I could have learned so much more. Sure, I would have had less free time of course, but I think it’s worth it. Then again, you can always study more on your own than what university forces you to, but I guess I’m a bit lazy for that. It’s a nice change at least with some high intensity studies that I actually have to work a bit with to accomplish. But enough about boring school.

Then again, what else do I have to write about, I haven’t been doing much of other things since last I wrote.

Ah well, not quite in the mood I guess, good night.