Splat me

And it seems like this day is starting about as well as the last one ended. If I would still have had my summer employment, I would probably have gone to work today. I did that one time during the summer when I had a shitty day, was nice to be able to go to work, sit in a building all alone and do something useful. As I was at work I was also isolated from the “normal” world and would not be disturbed, or feel the need to do something else.

I don’t quite know why things get like this, but it happens now and then. It has become rarer with time, probably as I’m more occupied these days than what I used to be and probably because I’ve become used to it and don’t reflect about it as much anymore. You, my readers here, are the only ones who really know how I’m feeling these days; I don’t speak about it with anyone local. It didn’t take me long to conclude that no good came of telling anyone about it. Just get a whole lot of worrying about something they can’t do anything about either way. It’s just easier to not tell them and “suffer” in silence.

Today is the first time in quite a while I’ve considered to add another scar to my body, will see how the day ends if that happens or not. It probably won’t as it does not feel as “rewarding” as it used to, and besides, it leads to lots of annoying questions.

Perhaps I should head out to some friend today, not that I have that many to head out to, one more or less. Try to make the feeling go away. I probably won’t enjoy it much, but at least I won’t do something stupid.

I wish I could see some meaning in the things I do, perhaps then it would all be better. As it is now, I ever so often stop for a second and think, why am I doing this. Sure, there’re reasons for the things I do, but when I look at those reasons and think about if I actually care, I usually don’t.

Sometimes, I just wish I was yesterdays hedgehog.

Splat

Today I went to the second lecture of this course. I mainly went as I needed to go down to the bookstore anyway and because I wanted to ask the professor what coding standards I had to follow to pass. The lecture itself I wasn’t very interested in and I should probably have left halfway through instead of staying the full time. Most of the time was spent on explaining things I already knew from before for the people who didn’t quite understand. I’m not quite sure why I’m forced to take this class, but hopefully something new will arise before the course has ended in 3-4 weeks. I’ve at least decided that I’m not going to school neither Monday nor Tuesday, more lessons that I’m quite certain will be pretty useless.

A few hours ago I went for a walk in the village. About halfway a thought suddenly arose in my mind, shortly before I saw the dead hedgehog in the middle of the road. Was I walking because I wanted to walk, or was I walking so I didn’t have to do something else? It didn’t take long to conclude that the latter was the case. I wasn’t walking because I really like walking around at 1 am in the village with a light rain drizzling. I was walking because I didn’t want to go sleep. Now why wouldn’t I want to go sleep in the middle of the night like normal people? This is something I have had a hard time doing for some time now. Unless I need to get up early the day after, I usually stay up way longer than what’s appropriate.

It’s not that there is some magic thing I do at night that I can’t do during days. People on the net go and sleep, and as I usually watch tv episodes, which I can watch any time a like, I’m not doing anything bound to the night either. I came to the conclusion that I did not want to stay up because of something I hadn’t done, instead of something I want to do during the night, or that could only be done at night.

What I haven’t done today is to be a good citizen. I haven’t been productive. Even if what I’m productive with doesn’t really help society in any way, it feels like something I have to do for me to be happy with myself. And as long as I haven’t done this, I don’t feel happy with myself doing pretty much anything else either. As long as I haven’t gone to bed, there’s still a possibility that I will do this, productive, thing. But I now know from experience that it almost never happens, I can usually feel when it’s one of those days when I won’t do anything productive. And today was one of those days. For some reason, instead of going to sleep and get it over with I stay up for as long as possible and make it a long slow process.

I wonder why I do this, it’s not good in any way. I have such a hard time relaxing, I must always do something, even if I don’t really like doing what I do.

And oh yeah, going to Sensation White @ Copenhagen.