A deadly sin

It’s been a very long time since I wrote here last, one and a half month to be a bit more exact. It’s a weird feeling, because I’ve wanted to write here numerous times, but I’ve never really had the time and energy for it. I guess I had a bit of time in beginning of December, but nothing much really happened then. Since mid December I’ve been very busy, first school, then Christmas, then New Year and then school again. This Thursday it ends, at least for 4 days.

Christmas was about what I expected it to be, shitty. I guess it started somewhat okay, but it ended with fighting. I really have no Christmas spirit what so ever and it would be totally fine with me if people just forgot all about it for next time. It’s not very likely to happen though as Christmas is such a big tradition in Sweden.

I’ve increasingly been thinking about moving somewhere. At the moment I guess somewhere would be the town at where I study, but I’ve also been thinking about stuff a bit after I’m done studying. Perhaps I should go abroad somewhere and start over, get rid of the constant presence of family, be free to do as I want for a while and nobody to upset.

For some reason, and I don’t quite know why, I don’t care very much for my family. It’s quite a strange feeling, for example I don’t feel anything when my sister leaves for Paris again, and I only see her 2 times every year, but I don’t miss her at all. And I don’t miss anyone else in my family either if they’re not heard of for a longer duration, are abroad or whatever. Only one I miss is my mother, but that’s mainly cause I get to deal so much with my father when she’s away, and I don’t really like that.

It’s a bit weird really, the people I miss the most, are the people I never met. Two girls that I’ve only spoken with online, one I start to miss quite soon after she goes away, even misses her when she’s present at times. The other one I haven’t spoken with for soon a year, I’m not sure I ever will again, I hurt her, quite badly, and she does not respond any longer. I wonder why it is like that, I don’t even miss my very close friend all that much, the girl that I’m to live with in a bunch of years if we’re still both single. Don’t think about her very much at all actually, but when the day comes, I still would like to live with her.

I’ve been thinking about this more and more as time passes, I don’t really seem to like people, at least not in real life. I don’t seek new people to hang out with, new people to know, new people to meet. I don’t meet the old people much either though. Actually, I more or less don’t at all. Now and then I guess I meet some “friend”, but it’s becoming more and more rare, and I can’t say that I miss it. When I do meet a “friend”, it feels pretty much pointless, and after when I go home again, or the person leave, it, sadly, quite often feels like wasted time.

But, how can my time be of waste when I got nothing meaningful to devote it to. I don’t do anything that has some greater purpose than just killing time and entertaining me. Or at least my idea of entertainment, quite often that also feels like wasted time, yet again, what else would I use my time for. Perhaps, as I don’t seem to have some need to use my time for something in particular, I should devote my time to helping people, spend my time on some aid organization or something. But I think that also, would feel meaningless. I guess I’m a selfish kind of cold person.

I have come to the conclusion that I envy people. I don’t envy people that are better than me, people that are richer than me, got what I want and so on. I envy people who actually believe in something, who feel that their life has a point, who know what it is that they want to do, and who feel great when doing it.

As it is now, I see no meaning, the plan of my life is to get by, finish school, get a job, go to job, work, go home, eat, sleep, rinse, and repeat.