Second chance

I think this is the longest gap so far, not by intention or cause I’ve been down when I normally don’t feel like writing much, I just been kind of occupied. First of all, I for some reason go to bed a bit earlier than I used to, often before 4 am instead of the usual 6-7 am. I don’t really know why, but I guess the net just feels a bit empty that late. I used to stay for just the staying I guess, but no I go to bed, watch one or perhaps two episodes of friends and then sleep tight. I also have an easier time falling asleep.

Two days ago, I think, was “midsommarafton” in Sweden. It is one of those “get really drunk” days in Sweden, and unlike most years, I actually did something. Spent day and evening at home, eating midsummerish stuff and just hanging around like any other day I guess. The day before I heard from a friend in town that a friend in the village was hosting a party so I decided to check it out. Went over there at ten or so, met some people I haven’t seen in a long time, played a bit of music, met some new faces. Either way, decided to go home and pick up something to drink and then go back. Had quite a nice time, got to talk a bit with the mate in town’s new girlfriend who I hadn’t met before and she seems like a really nice person. Unfortunately, it got a bit out of hand at 1:30 or so cause some dude decided that they didn’t play enough of his kind of music (which imho, doesn’t fit at a party like that anyway) and decided to make a fuzz about it. So party died at around 2 or so and everyone who didn’t live nearby (like everyone more or less) had booked their taxi for 3. I hanged around quite late as I got walking distance, talked some more with people etc. Had quite a nice time at least.

My dearest friend has been gone for a few days now, as usual it feels empty, but at least I’m keeping myself somewhat occupied with things and try not to think too much about it. I don’t quite know what it is about her that makes me like her so much, I never met her, and haven’t spoken in audio with her for a very long time, not since before she became important to me really. I can speak with her for hours at least without getting tired of her, really like talking with her actually. She said she wouldn’t read this blog anymore, she said she felt like she was doing something wrong by reading it, as parts is about her. Don’t know if any of my other readers (if there are any more than 1 other) feel the same. But I write here knowing that the whole world can read it, so really, nothing wrong with reading it. I miss her a lot at least and hope she won’t stay away for too long.

For the last few months, or actually longer than that, I’ve been absent a bit and then present a bit. When going absent, my intentions have been to not return, but as I have little other stuff going on I kind of always do, so far at least. I however don’t like it, I don’t like ditching people online to then come back a few weeks later and start talking with them again, I either want to be there all the time or not at all. I started thinking about changing my online life quite a while ago but I decided to make a decision before the 20:th.

This time it would not be like usual, this time I intended to drop the stuff far away, and concentrate more on the stuff near me and especially people I’ve met. I do think, which means that I don’t know, that it would be good for me to be a bit more active in a normal kind of life. I thought about it long and hard as I couldn’t decide, it would involve quite a lot of people to be lost and not so sure that new ones would be found. Anyway, I decided to stay until I start proper school and possibly an on the side job in the fall. As I think my life is bound to change a bit then either way.

At the same time as I decided this, I sent a sms to one who I feel I haven’t been treating well. I actually kind of have been avoiding her, not that I really wanted to but I didn’t want to leave her again. I’ve known her for a bit more than a year now, but we probably only spoken about 20 days in that year. When we talk when she’s visiting another friend I have, but when we do talk, we usually talk a lot. In March sometime, I sent her and sms that I was going away cause I didn’t like the online stuff, and I really didn’t. I think that occasion have been the longest time I’ve been offline for many years. But I got online again, I did however not tell her and I asked our common friend to not tell her either. She never replied to the sms I sent a few days ago, so I don’t know if she actually want to speak with me again, I feel like I have hurt her, or at least been “mean” towards her. And if she doesn’t want to speak with me again I understand her, I’m not sure I would if I was her. Either way, I miss her, she’s a really nice girl, hope she’ll decide to talk with me next time she’s at the common friend, whenever that will be.

A while back I posted naive which is about this girl I met online. If I recall correctly, too lazy to check it, I wrote that I would give her one more chance. I’m glad that I did as I still speak with her. She asks a bit now and then, not really deeply about it. But she in general stays away from that topic and has become quite pleasant to speak with. She’s not online very often though so not all that deep talking, but nice at least. So remember that people, a second chance.

I think there might be some weirdness with me saying the same thing twice above, but I’m really too tired to read through it :)

If I only had a magic 8-ball

Tick tock, Tick tock. The clock is ticking and I don’t know what to do. I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and I have came to no conclusion, and it feels no matter what I do, I will do it wrong. People I like that I won’t talk to more, or people I like that I still won’t see. Time spent where I don’t know if it will ever be returned. Is it just a waste, or will it someday be worth it ? Should I cut it off, or should I wait and see what happens ? If I cut it off, will things even change or will it just be the same except that I will be even more alone than I was, or will I meet new people, people to like, people to care about and people who care about me ? And if I do it, and end up lonely, will the people that used to be have me back, and would I even ask them to have me back. I have treated people badly, and I don’t want to treat them badly no more, I want to set a course, and stay with that course. Although the course might bring me astray, and if I stray, I don’t think I can go back, I don’t think I would want to go back. I guess I just don’t know what to do…

Strange kind of dreams

Been a few days since I last wrote, main reason for that is cause I was feeling really bad for a few days, three or so I think. Anyway, I’ll now sum up some stuff that has happened since then. First up on the program are my fish. Got 4 new ones about a week ago, 4 red-nosed tetras. 3 of them died during the first night. Got me kind of worried that some of my other fish might get whatever they were having. The forth survived and was happy after a day or so. I did some testing of the water and found nothing wrong with it. Went into the store a few days later and talked with guy who sold them to me. He told me to bring a water sample and if all checked out I’d get some new ones, so I did and 2 days ago I got 4 new ones (1 bonus I guess). Weird is, one of them died too, but now 3 has survived. I put some medicine stuff in aquarium just to be sure, but all other fish seems to be doing alright. I had some babies again also, they’re in the sand on the picture. None left now though, they decided to be fish food for some other, larger fish.

Two days ago I decided to fix my fan, as it’s damn hot in Sweden at the moment, well, in Swedish standards at least. It hasn’t been working for over a year, bought a remote dimmer for it but that broke down so haven’t had lights in ceiling or fan. So picked it down from the ceiling, rewired it a bit, added some wires in my ceiling and put it back up. I still can’t turn the light on yet, but the fan is controlled separately now. Very nice to have a fan in the ceiling again. I’m including a picture of how it’s attached to the roof. The black metal plate is what actually holds the fan. My roof haven’t got much support but I used to have an other lamp in the same spot so it can hold the weight on that hook. I’m afraid I lack English terms for the stuff up there, besides the short piece of pipe, but I guess you understand what it is. Only thing left now is to get a new dimmer for the lights. And the stars in my ceiling my sister has put there long ago.

Today at a bit 3:40 or so, I went out to get the news paper, which haven’t arrived. But when I was out I looked down the street and saw the mist lying over the field. I like being out at this hour as no one is awake, it’s all quiet except for the birds, air is cool and fresh. I got in and got my camera if it looked nice and walked over there. Unfortunately, the pictures don’t come anywhere close to reality. The camera has quite a hard time focusing on mist, and the lighting wasn’t optimal. The sky is what I saw when I turned around, not the best sunrise sky either, but I found it nice and took a picture.

You know, lately, I have been having all these strange kind of dreams.

Yesterday I made a decision, I decided to stop talking with my dear friend for a few days, see how it felt, if I would miss her a lot of if it just took a few days and then I got used to it. There are some things going on that I might write about here later, was thinking about writing her a letter, a real papery letter but today I decided not to. First of it’s very rare that I remember what I dream about altogether. I usually don’t remember stuff more than perhaps 15 times every year. Sometimes it’s a bit more often, but on average I’d say 1-2 times a month. Anyway, last night I dreamt of her, only her. I dreamt I was talking with her on the phone, and I dreamt that I was doing it for hours. I guess that’s how much I miss not talking with her, already. I think I’ll still stay away for a few days though, to get a real feel for it. But I’m pretty sure how I will feel about it, I also know that she might read this. And if so, I hope she understands, and I think she will. When I woke up it at least felt very wicked and I started wonder a bit more about meaning of dreams.

Finally I would like to thank xn for proof reading all my posts, he does it after I post it though but he usually tells me if he finds typos or similar when he does read it. Given the hour I usually write here, it’s not all that weird that the posts have quite a bit of errors in them.

Same old story

Been a few days now, I guess that’s due to the lack of interesting things happening in my life. I wrote an exam the other day, which I think I passed without trouble. Visited my sister 2 days ago, nothing special there either really. Most things have been standing still, on hold for a few days. Don’t quite know what I’ve done. Oh, I have watched Firefly, I really love the show, too bad it got cancelled. Finished it off tonight with Serenity, the movie sits quite well as an ending for the series. Spoke a bit with my special friend today which was nice. Haven’t spoke much with her the last few days and I kind of missed her. Would be nice to see her some day, actually, I’m rather looking forward to it, even though I know that it might never happen. Guess I will see one day, either it will be a nice time, or it will all go to crap and we won’t speak much after. Or one of us dies before it happens, we’ll see I guess.

One thing I want to air though, that just hit me. Thinking of my friend and her way towards me got me thinking of another one I know. One with whom I don’t speak much anymore. I used to speak a lot with him, and I probably still should, to show my support and so. His wife left him and took his two kids with her. And even though he is my friend, I think she did the right thing as he was drinking. Anyway, since then, every time I speak with him, he says how much he misses his wife, how much he loves her and that he would throw the computer away if he could have her back. And that’s about the only thing I hear every time I speak with him. Sure, I don’t mind listening to friends having bad times, or friends having it bad in general with different things happening to them. But hearing the same thing over and over is really tiring. Which have led me to not speak with him so much, as I know what I’m going to hear either way, and I got nothing wise to say in response. I have never been married and I have no kids, so what the hell do I know about it anyway. If you think your life has gone bad, think when you read this what you do talk with your friends about. Tell it to them once, if something happens or change, tell them again. But don’t tell them the same thing over and over, cause in the long run, not many, no matter how good friends they are will stick around.