Threadpools, this is probably the messiest thing I have ever tried to do in Tcl. Doing threads is a bit messy, as itâ€™s hard to trace errors and check status inside another thread. But doing threadpools is just pure messy, I kind of donâ€™t even know when the thread exists or not at the moment. Huge thanks flies out to the people in The Tclerâ€™s Chat and especially to patthoyts for being of great help both with the TLS stuff I did earlier and this stuff. Will see tomorrow if I can find inspiration to work a bit more on it and perhaps get it running.
As I wrote a few days ago, I was out walking on some cliffs, and as I wrote yesterday, I was watching Greyâ€™s Anatomy. The combination of the two got me thinking a bit. SPOILER WARNING. In one of the episodes I watched last night, Meredith gets tossed of the â€œdockâ€ and falls down into the water. She breaks the surface and takes a breath, but she decides to not swim and just sinks deeper instead. That got me thinking, what it would be like to just step of that cliff. Iâ€™m not afraid to die, I actually donâ€™t respect life at all. And I donâ€™t enjoy life either, itâ€™s more or less just something that is, that goes by one day after the other. Thereâ€™s nothing I look forward to, not even to go to sensation in the summer. Itâ€™s just one of them things I do, and perhaps Iâ€™ll at least like it a bit, but canâ€™t really say that Iâ€™m very excited about it. I hope, that when Iâ€™ve been I will be like a new man, full of life or something. Anyway, I really started to think about how it would be to just cease to live. Take that step of that cliff, fall ~100 meters or something (got no idea how high really) and spat against the pile of rubble below. Iâ€™m no doctor, nor any mountain climber or anything, so I canâ€™t know for sure that I will actually die from it. However, when looking down, Iâ€™m pretty sure, and if not, it will hurt like hell. When I was there a few days ago, I was there with my parents, and I donâ€™t want to take that step with them watching, so I think Iâ€™ll go there someday rather soon, alone. Sit on the edge, think, feel. For most people, this really probably sounds crazy, and for most people it probably is. But I feel I have the need to do it somehow. If I decide to walk away, I might feel more alive. If I donâ€™t, Iâ€™m pretty sure Iâ€™ll feel less alive, or rather, I wonâ€™t feel anything at all, and that would be quite nice.
Thereâ€™s a person that I speak with online, Iâ€™ve mentioned her before, Iâ€™ll mention her now, and Iâ€™ll surely mention her many times ahead. Speaking with her is one of the things I like to do best, not that it makes me all happy or alters my life. But she understands like no one else does. She doesnâ€™t judge, she listens, talks to me and sais what she thinks. Not many people do that, and thereâ€™s not many people I talk to at the same level as her. Sure, I now write this stuff here above and you might read it. Itâ€™s however not the same, I spoke with her about this earlier today, and sheâ€™ll always be the first I speak with if I have thoughts or feelings I feel a need to air. You know who you are, and some others might guess who you are not that they know much about you. Either way, Iâ€™m very glad that youâ€™re there for me.
Thereâ€™s another one I think quite a lot about, I havenâ€™t spoke to her in quite a while and I donâ€™t quite know if I ever will again. I hope sheâ€™s doing okay, and I do care, even if it doesnâ€™t show. Iâ€™m not really much use for the people who know me, I mainly bring worries and trouble so I kind of cut myself away from her at the same time as I closed the rest of my online life. At the moment I have a bit of online life though, as a friend is offline due to moving and he needed help keeping track of some stuff till he returns. Anyway, Iâ€™m leaving again when he returns, donâ€™t know for how long or if Iâ€™ll be back. I probably will as I usually get bored after a while, but itâ€™s a nice change at least. Hope she will forgive me one day if I decide to show up again.
At the moment, I only know of one person reading what I write here. I however donâ€™t know if heâ€™s given the address to for example second lady above, and I donâ€™t know if my family will ever read this, or someone else that know me personally. Actually I just remembered giving the url to another one I know, but I donâ€™t think she reads here. Anyway, if the above worries/frightens/whatever you, please do not try to talk me out of it, save me or whatever. Feel happy that you know instead, if I havenâ€™t told you in person already, itâ€™s because I donâ€™t feel like I canâ€™t talk with you about such things, or that I donâ€™t want to worry you about such things. Writing them on the web, where everyone can see it, is a â€œriskâ€ I guess. But whatâ€™s life without a few risks now and then.
And donâ€™t worry, Iâ€™ll be fine, or perhaps I wonâ€™t but weâ€™re all going some day.