The liar

Threadpools, this is probably the messiest thing I have ever tried to do in Tcl. Doing threads is a bit messy, as it’s hard to trace errors and check status inside another thread. But doing threadpools is just pure messy, I kind of don’t even know when the thread exists or not at the moment. Huge thanks flies out to the people in The Tcler’s Chat and especially to patthoyts for being of great help both with the TLS stuff I did earlier and this stuff. Will see tomorrow if I can find inspiration to work a bit more on it and perhaps get it running.

As I wrote a few days ago, I was out walking on some cliffs, and as I wrote yesterday, I was watching Grey’s Anatomy. The combination of the two got me thinking a bit. SPOILER WARNING. In one of the episodes I watched last night, Meredith gets tossed of the “dock” and falls down into the water. She breaks the surface and takes a breath, but she decides to not swim and just sinks deeper instead. That got me thinking, what it would be like to just step of that cliff. I’m not afraid to die, I actually don’t respect life at all. And I don’t enjoy life either, it’s more or less just something that is, that goes by one day after the other. There’s nothing I look forward to, not even to go to sensation in the summer. It’s just one of them things I do, and perhaps I’ll at least like it a bit, but can’t really say that I’m very excited about it. I hope, that when I’ve been I will be like a new man, full of life or something. Anyway, I really started to think about how it would be to just cease to live. Take that step of that cliff, fall ~100 meters or something (got no idea how high really) and spat against the pile of rubble below. I’m no doctor, nor any mountain climber or anything, so I can’t know for sure that I will actually die from it. However, when looking down, I’m pretty sure, and if not, it will hurt like hell. When I was there a few days ago, I was there with my parents, and I don’t want to take that step with them watching, so I think I’ll go there someday rather soon, alone. Sit on the edge, think, feel. For most people, this really probably sounds crazy, and for most people it probably is. But I feel I have the need to do it somehow. If I decide to walk away, I might feel more alive. If I don’t, I’m pretty sure I’ll feel less alive, or rather, I won’t feel anything at all, and that would be quite nice.

There’s a person that I speak with online, I’ve mentioned her before, I’ll mention her now, and I’ll surely mention her many times ahead. Speaking with her is one of the things I like to do best, not that it makes me all happy or alters my life. But she understands like no one else does. She doesn’t judge, she listens, talks to me and sais what she thinks. Not many people do that, and there’s not many people I talk to at the same level as her. Sure, I now write this stuff here above and you might read it. It’s however not the same, I spoke with her about this earlier today, and she’ll always be the first I speak with if I have thoughts or feelings I feel a need to air. You know who you are, and some others might guess who you are not that they know much about you. Either way, I’m very glad that you’re there for me.

There’s another one I think quite a lot about, I haven’t spoke to her in quite a while and I don’t quite know if I ever will again. I hope she’s doing okay, and I do care, even if it doesn’t show. I’m not really much use for the people who know me, I mainly bring worries and trouble so I kind of cut myself away from her at the same time as I closed the rest of my online life. At the moment I have a bit of online life though, as a friend is offline due to moving and he needed help keeping track of some stuff till he returns. Anyway, I’m leaving again when he returns, don’t know for how long or if I’ll be back. I probably will as I usually get bored after a while, but it’s a nice change at least. Hope she will forgive me one day if I decide to show up again.

At the moment, I only know of one person reading what I write here. I however don’t know if he’s given the address to for example second lady above, and I don’t know if my family will ever read this, or someone else that know me personally. Actually I just remembered giving the url to another one I know, but I don’t think she reads here. Anyway, if the above worries/frightens/whatever you, please do not try to talk me out of it, save me or whatever. Feel happy that you know instead, if I haven’t told you in person already, it’s because I don’t feel like I can’t talk with you about such things, or that I don’t want to worry you about such things. Writing them on the web, where everyone can see it, is a “risk” I guess. But what’s life without a few risks now and then.

And don’t worry, I’ll be fine, or perhaps I won’t but we’re all going some day.

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